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Jan 19, 2013
01/13
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lance armstrong's bike. bike? >> hi, jimmy. [ laughter ] thanks for having me on the show. >> jimmy: yeah. thank you for joining us. my first question is did you know about the doping? >> ah, well, yes. i had my suspicions. while i never saw lance doping because i don't have eyes, i did notice that he was riding me very fast. [ laughter ] i mean, he always rode me fast, but then all of a sudden, he was riding me very fast. >> jimmy: right. >> even uphill, you know, and i'm sitting there thinking, um, okay. this is weird. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ laughter ] how did you feel when you found out that he did in fact use performance enhancing drugs? >> oh, i -- i felt betrayed. [ laughter ] because, you know, here i am doing my best being a bike, which i'm great at, and i love. i love being a bike. and then i find out that this whole time the butt that has been on me has been the butt of a cheater. a cheating butt, and that hurts. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so how are you doing these days? >> i'm doing great, you know. i -- i'
lance armstrong's bike. bike? >> hi, jimmy. [ laughter ] thanks for having me on the show. >> jimmy: yeah. thank you for joining us. my first question is did you know about the doping? >> ah, well, yes. i had my suspicions. while i never saw lance doping because i don't have eyes, i did notice that he was riding me very fast. [ laughter ] i mean, he always rode me fast, but then all of a sudden, he was riding me very fast. >> jimmy: right. >> even uphill, you know,...
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440
Oct 24, 2013
10/13
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how are you lance armstrong? >> i don't have any balls. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but lance armstrong has -- [ laughter ] lance armstrong has one testicle. >> oh, no. what have i done? [ laughter ] my wife is going to kill me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: get out of here, man. get lost. thank you so much. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] he always -- he whiffs every time. he gets no laughs. [ laughter ] remember when he had to come out and he got hit by a football? and the football was supposed to hit him in the crotch, and it hits him in the kneecap, and he still holds his crotch. he goes -- [ laughter ] no one laughed. we torture that poor writer. patrick borelli, right there, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] let's try another suggestion here. it's from harvey gravino. "hey, jimmy, my favorite halloween candies are tootsie pops. and i used to love that old commercial about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. i heard there's an unedited full-length version of that commercial. you should play i
how are you lance armstrong? >> i don't have any balls. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but lance armstrong has -- [ laughter ] lance armstrong has one testicle. >> oh, no. what have i done? [ laughter ] my wife is going to kill me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: get out of here, man. get lost. thank you so much. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] he always -- he whiffs every time. he gets no laughs. [ laughter ] remember when he had to come out and he got hit by a football? and the football...
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Feb 5, 2013
02/13
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as you can see -- [ light laughter ] it's lance armstrong. yeah. here's a bunch of wieners right here. [ laughter ] all you have to do is grab your wieners and throw seven through the hole in 20 seconds. >> oh, no problem. >> jimmy: think you can get your wiener into lance armstrong's mouth? [ laughter ] think you can do it? >> kind of hoping not, but -- >> jimmy: yeah, you can do it. [ laughter ] get yourself set. $100 on the line. 20 seconds on the clock. please, audience, help him out. ready, set, toss those wieners! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh! [ cheers ] ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh, very nice! wow! that was fantastic! that was pretty good. good job! [ cheers and applause ] that was great. how many wieners did he get in lance armstrong's hole? >> five or six? >> jimmy: there you go, yeah. five. very good. ♪ sorry, you didn't get enough wieners. good try, my friend. take care. let's see who's next. next contestant. all right, buddy. >> all right. >> jimmy: here we go. let's initiate the dartboard of insanity. he
as you can see -- [ light laughter ] it's lance armstrong. yeah. here's a bunch of wieners right here. [ laughter ] all you have to do is grab your wieners and throw seven through the hole in 20 seconds. >> oh, no problem. >> jimmy: think you can get your wiener into lance armstrong's mouth? [ laughter ] think you can do it? >> kind of hoping not, but -- >> jimmy: yeah, you can do it. [ laughter ] get yourself set. $100 on the line. 20 seconds on the clock. please,...
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418
Oct 26, 2012
10/12
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eye 418
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somebody call lance armstrong. get this guy -- a livestrong bracelet. all right, ready, buddy? yes. dude, you're never gonna get those gloves off. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] what is wrong with you, man? >> super strong! >> jimmy: this is insane. don't rip the hat in half, all right? just calm down. [ laughter ] >> i'm halfway there. >> jimmy: no one's ever done this ever, and we've had bill bixby on the show. [ light laughter ] we've had everyone on the show. no one's ever torn their gloves to pieces. it's called -- [ laughter ] no way. all right, anyway -- >> that's cheating. >> jimmy: here are the rules. when i say "dance," the roots will start playing a funky disco jam, and you'll have 15 seconds to fling off your hat and gloves. scoring is simple -- one point for each glove and two for the hat. whoever gets the most points wins the grand prize, and oh, what a prize it is. higgins? >> steve: well, jimmy, tonight's winner will be taking home 300 crumpled-up $1 bills carefully stuffed inside a scarecrow. it's the festive way to make some hay this holiday. who needs a brain when
somebody call lance armstrong. get this guy -- a livestrong bracelet. all right, ready, buddy? yes. dude, you're never gonna get those gloves off. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] what is wrong with you, man? >> super strong! >> jimmy: this is insane. don't rip the hat in half, all right? just calm down. [ laughter ] >> i'm halfway there. >> jimmy: no one's ever done this ever, and we've had bill bixby on the show. [ light laughter ] we've had everyone on the show. no one's...
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791
Jan 17, 2013
01/13
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i'm pretty sure the only group that's lied more than lance armstrong is the u.s. postal service. [ laughter and applause ] "oh, it'll be there in two to three days. don't worry about it." [ applause ] [ laughter ] why is it crushed? here's some political news. on sunday, the white house will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for president obama. [ cheers and applause ] not to be outdone, on sunday, republicans will hold a private swearing-at ceremony for president obama. [ laughter and applause ] this is big. tonight was the season premiere of "american idol" with new judges nicki minaj and mariah carey. [ scattered cheers ] yeah, viewers got to see all the crazy hair, the diva behavior, but enough about ryan seacrest. [ light laughter ] did you guys see this commercial online that has a bunch of cats? take a look. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we actually tried that around our office, and it -- [ laughter ] -- it turns out that laser pointers are pretty hard to resist. check this out. ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimm
i'm pretty sure the only group that's lied more than lance armstrong is the u.s. postal service. [ laughter and applause ] "oh, it'll be there in two to three days. don't worry about it." [ applause ] [ laughter ] why is it crushed? here's some political news. on sunday, the white house will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for president obama. [ cheers and applause ] not to be outdone, on sunday, republicans will hold a private swearing-at ceremony for president obama. [ laughter...
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Feb 1, 2013
02/13
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armstrong was like, "yeah, but i never called her fat." [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] speaking of lance armstrong, he has turned down a spot on the new season of "dancing with the stars." [ audience aws ] even weirder, manti te'o's girlfriend said yes. [ laughter ] it's an odd season. it's an odd season. and finally, this week, a bipartisan group of senators unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. yep, a path to citizenship. or as illegal immigrants call that, a tunnel. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's some good rock 'n' roll. that's graham parker right there sitting in with the roots. [ cheers and applause ] he just released "three chords good," his first album with his band, the rumour, since 1980. and of course, you probably saw him in judd apatow's latest movie, "this is 40." you were great in that as well. >> thank you, jimmy. appreciate it. >> jimmy: yeah. fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for being here. i reall
armstrong was like, "yeah, but i never called her fat." [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] speaking of lance armstrong, he has turned down a spot on the new season of "dancing with the stars." [ audience aws ] even weirder, manti te'o's girlfriend said yes. [ laughter ] it's an odd season. it's an odd season. and finally, this week, a bipartisan group of senators unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. yep, a path to citizenship. or as...
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Nov 5, 2013
11/13
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lance armstrong. >> steve: oh, lance armstrong. >> jimmy: oh, i don't get it. all right. very good. let's go back to the home screen. i don't get it. i don't know how to play that. >> steve: he rides around and around. >> jimmy: i don't know -- he has -- all right. this next app is cool. it's called wax alan rickman. [ light laughter ] basically how it works is, you swipe your finger across the screen to wax the chest of legendary screen actor, alan rickman. let's try it. sounds good. all right. [ laughter ] first you tap on the screen where you want the waxing strip to go. >> steve: okay. >> jimmy: right there, right in the mid. now you just swipe the screen to wax his chest. [ ripping ] >> ouch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's fun. let me try another spot. how about this one over here? [ light laughter ] it's going to be painful right there. >> steve: going to be painful. >> jimmy: let's wax. >> hairy -- -- potter! >> jimmy: let's go back to the home screen. this last app is a came called miley cyrus fly catcher. basically, how it works is a bunch of flies buzz around miley cyrus' hea
lance armstrong. >> steve: oh, lance armstrong. >> jimmy: oh, i don't get it. all right. very good. let's go back to the home screen. i don't get it. i don't know how to play that. >> steve: he rides around and around. >> jimmy: i don't know -- he has -- all right. this next app is cool. it's called wax alan rickman. [ light laughter ] basically how it works is, you swipe your finger across the screen to wax the chest of legendary screen actor, alan rickman. let's try...
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May 4, 2012
05/12
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eye 137
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>> lance armstrong's mother. >> jimmy: lance armstrong's mom. >> who my mother thought was, it was lance bass, i think, from nsync. >> jimmy: no, i think all the moms did. >> all the moms did. >> jimmy: all the moms thought it was lance bass. >> latrell sprewell's mother, i think, was there. >> jimmy: latrell sprewell's mom was definitely there. >> but i went down there 'cause we were in new york, and i went down there just to check on my mom 'cause she's never on tv. and they said, you know, of the ten moms that are here, only one other son came down to check on mom and it was jimmy fallon came to check on gloria fallon, so -- [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: yeah, but i was just making sure she didn't screw it up for the other moms. [ laughter ] and she did, though. >> no, she didn't. she was great. >> jimmy: no, she definitely screwed it up. my mom goes -- i swear, they go down -- your mom was fantastic. she looked gorgeous and she gave you the flower. my mom, she looks gorgeous. david letterman gives her a rose. he gives all the moms a rose. and he says to all the moms, he goes, "here you
>> lance armstrong's mother. >> jimmy: lance armstrong's mom. >> who my mother thought was, it was lance bass, i think, from nsync. >> jimmy: no, i think all the moms did. >> all the moms did. >> jimmy: all the moms thought it was lance bass. >> latrell sprewell's mother, i think, was there. >> jimmy: latrell sprewell's mom was definitely there. >> but i went down there 'cause we were in new york, and i went down there just to check on my...
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598
Jan 29, 2013
01/13
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eye 598
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i mean, he's german, sure. >> jimmy: this last quote's from lance armstrong. he said, "i'll spend the rest of my life trying to earn back trust and apologize to people for the rest of my life." well, that's -- >> steve: well -- >> jimmy: here's another quote from lance. "are there any drugs that can help me do that?" [ laughter ] that's all the time we have for "don't quote me." stick around. we'll be right back with brian williams, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ excuse me, sir i'm gonna have to ask you to power down your little word game. i think your friends will understand. oh no, it's actually my geico app...see? ...i just uh paid my bill. did you really? from the plane? yeah, i can manage my policy, get roadside assistance, pretty much access geico 24/7. sounds a little too good to be true sir. i'll believe that when pigs fly. ok, did she seriously just say that? geico. just click away with our free mobile app. [ announcer ] to do a job well, you need the right tools. so if you're filing your taxes online, choose h&r block at home. the power softw
i mean, he's german, sure. >> jimmy: this last quote's from lance armstrong. he said, "i'll spend the rest of my life trying to earn back trust and apologize to people for the rest of my life." well, that's -- >> steve: well -- >> jimmy: here's another quote from lance. "are there any drugs that can help me do that?" [ laughter ] that's all the time we have for "don't quote me." stick around. we'll be right back with brian williams, everybody. [...
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May 21, 2011
05/11
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armstrong's former teammate tyler hamilton told reporters they both used performance-enhancing drugs during the tour de france. in response, lance is like, "man, what a kick in the ball." we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my new dance move. it's called get out of the way. give me a beat. give me a beat. no, no. get out of the way. ♪ [ cheers ] yeah. and then -- the other one calmed "get out of the way." do the other one. no. no, no. do the other beat you were -- yeah. ♪ get out of the way! get out of the way, everybody. we got a big show tonight. the one and only jim belushi is in the house! [ cheers and applause ] talented dude. also, she got nominated for an oscar this year and is starring in the new "x-men" movie jennifer lawrence is here! [ cheers and applause ] as a brunette. we got music. doesn't get any better than this, you guys. fleet foxes are here! it's friday. you got to have fun. you guys -- it is friday. i just thought of this. usually on friday ,i like to catch up on some personal stuff. i check my in-b
armstrong's former teammate tyler hamilton told reporters they both used performance-enhancing drugs during the tour de france. in response, lance is like, "man, what a kick in the ball." we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my new dance move. it's called get out of the way. give me a beat. give me a beat. no, no. get out of the way. ♪ [ cheers ] yeah. and then -- the other one calmed "get out of the way."...
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666
Jan 8, 2013
01/13
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lance armstrong's lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance enhancing drugs. yup. that lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't want to -- i don't want to push it. check this out, you guys. the ceo of hulu just announced that he is stepping down in the next few months. he would have done it sooner but they're forcing him to sit through a bunch of commercials first. [ cheers and applause ] "the following resignation is brought to you --" [ laughter ] i heard that astronaut buzz aldrin just finalized his divorce. he'll have to pay his wife almost $10,000 a month in alimony. you could tell he was pretty depressed 'cause he sat at home and finished a whole pouch of freeze-dried ice cream. [ laughter ] ♪ all by myself don't want to be ♪ [ laughter ] this is interesting, here. a new study found that our personalities change about once every ten years. and if you disagree with the study, well, just give it ten years. [ laughter ] and finally, everyone's talking about this. last week, a passenger on
lance armstrong's lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance enhancing drugs. yup. that lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't want to -- i don't want to push it. check this out, you guys. the ceo of hulu just announced that he is stepping down in the next few months. he would have done it sooner but they're forcing him to sit through a bunch of commercials first. [ cheers and applause ] "the...
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182
Jun 15, 2012
06/12
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lance armstrong is facing new charges that he used performance enhancing drugs. lance isn't happy about the news. in fact, all week, he's been a little testy. [ laughter ] >> steve: hoo. a-hoo. >> jimmy: some more sports news. last night, giants pitcher matt cain threw his team's first ever perfect game against the astros. good job, matt. [ cheers and applause ] that's awesome. yeah, the astros went three hours without making it to first base, or as i used to call that, a date. [ laughter and applause ] want to wish a happy birthday to donald trump, my man! donald trump turned 66 years old today. [ cheers and applause ] he didn't want a big party, so he just invited a few close friends to comb over -- i mean, come over. and -- [ laughter ] check this out, you guys. tim tebow recently said he's gained nine pounds since joining the jets and plans to gain even more weight. you can tell his eating habits have changed. now, he spends most of his time praying for the return of the mcrib. [ light laughter ] [ laughter and applause ] this is interesting. the mets might a
lance armstrong is facing new charges that he used performance enhancing drugs. lance isn't happy about the news. in fact, all week, he's been a little testy. [ laughter ] >> steve: hoo. a-hoo. >> jimmy: some more sports news. last night, giants pitcher matt cain threw his team's first ever perfect game against the astros. good job, matt. [ cheers and applause ] that's awesome. yeah, the astros went three hours without making it to first base, or as i used to call that, a date. [...
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650
Jan 18, 2013
01/13
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so because lance armstrong is finally coming clean, i went on twitter and started a hashtag called #iadmitit. [ light laughter ] and i asked you guys at home to tweet out something weird, something funny, something embarrassing that you finally, you're ready to admit. all right, we've got so many tweets. within 15 minutes, it was a worldwide trending topic, which is awesome. so thank you for those tweets. [ cheers and applause ] we appreciate it. there's so funny ones there. and now, i thought i'd share some of my favorite #iadmitit tweets from you guys. here we go. first one's from at @crumbworks. he says, "sometimes i post something online, then post again under a different account name to agree with myself." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> steve: at least i was right. i agree with crumbworks. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this one is from @heymikey. he says, "sometimes when i'm home alone and i order a large pizza, i yell 'i got it,' when opening the door, so i don't seem fat." [ laughter ] i got it, guys. >> steve: i got it, guys. >> jimmy: "you guys hang in the kitchen. i'm gonna --" [ laug
so because lance armstrong is finally coming clean, i went on twitter and started a hashtag called #iadmitit. [ light laughter ] and i asked you guys at home to tweet out something weird, something funny, something embarrassing that you finally, you're ready to admit. all right, we've got so many tweets. within 15 minutes, it was a worldwide trending topic, which is awesome. so thank you for those tweets. [ cheers and applause ] we appreciate it. there's so funny ones there. and now, i thought...
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Mar 30, 2012
03/12
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. >> jimmy: what does lance armstrong call his crotch? [ laugher and ohs ] [ thunder crashes ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: this has been "brainstorm." we'll be right back with adriana lima! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] nothing will keep you from magnum. ♪ silky vanilla bean ice cream and rich caramel sauce all covered in thick belgian chocolate. magnum ice cream. for pleasure seekers. how far one proglide cartridge could go. so they sent me around the world to find out. one world. 5 weeks. the only thing that didn't change was my razor. [ male announcer ] up to 5 weeks of comfortable shaves with one proglide cartridge. great things start with gillette. ♪ sure, i had a salad for lunch ♪ ♪ but a miller 64 at dinner? ♪ oh yes, 'cause i've worked off my paunch ♪ ♪ 'cause we live a life of balance ♪ ♪ and no one can say that we're wrong ♪ ♪ so here's to good miller, who cut out the filler ♪ ♪ and made a beer worthy of song ♪ ♪ to miller 64 ♪ to miller 64 ♪ to love, sweat and
. >> jimmy: what does lance armstrong call his crotch? [ laugher and ohs ] [ thunder crashes ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: this has been "brainstorm." we'll be right back with adriana lima! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] nothing will keep you from magnum. ♪ silky vanilla bean ice cream and rich caramel sauce all covered in thick belgian chocolate. magnum ice cream. for pleasure seekers. how far one proglide cartridge could go. so they...
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556
Oct 23, 2012
10/12
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today world cycling officials stripped lance armstrong of his seven tour de france titles. when he heard of the news, lance was like, "yeah, not the worst thing i've been stripped of." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] you guys hear about this? [ laughter ] >> steve: so he got sacked? >> jimmy: it's a good segue. >> steve: he got sacked? >> jimmy: you guys here about this? french president francois hollande has promised to ban schools from assigning homework. [ cheers ] seriously? that's not a european president's platform. that was my ninth grade student council platform. "i'm going to do away with homework, and put rc cola back in all the vending machines." [ cheers and applause ] "yeah, everyone's getting chocolate milk for every meal." [ laughter ] and finally, researchers recently discovered a new planet with four suns. which sounds cool in until you realize the planet found out about its suns on "maury." we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a huge show tonight! it's a fun one. we love it. when
today world cycling officials stripped lance armstrong of his seven tour de france titles. when he heard of the news, lance was like, "yeah, not the worst thing i've been stripped of." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] you guys hear about this? [ laughter ] >> steve: so he got sacked? >> jimmy: it's a good segue. >> steve: he got sacked? >> jimmy: you guys here about this? french president francois hollande has promised to ban schools from assigning...
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Feb 2, 2011
02/11
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lance armstrong's somewhere around 50. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm 16. >> jimmy: 16? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you can do -- how long do you think you can run for? >> well, i don't know, but with that heart rate, it's a little tricky, you know? 'cause when you -- when you're just sitting around, you know, people get worried. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are your eyes open? >> i've been buried three times. [ laughter ] buried alive. buried alive. i was cremated once. [ laughter ] that is tough to come back from! [ laughter ] that was tough to come back from. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i think i remember reading about that somewhere. that was amazing. >> crazy. >> jimmy: yeah, you need water or anything? are you good? >> oh, water would be fantastic, yes! i forgot all about -- i've got to keep hydrated. really the most important thing. >> jimmy: yeah, here you go, bud. >> oh, thank you, man. >> jimmy: no problem, no problem, no problem. >> this is the trick -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you look like you're moonwalking. [ laughter ] >> wow. >> jimmy: you all right? that do
lance armstrong's somewhere around 50. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm 16. >> jimmy: 16? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you can do -- how long do you think you can run for? >> well, i don't know, but with that heart rate, it's a little tricky, you know? 'cause when you -- when you're just sitting around, you know, people get worried. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are your eyes open? >> i've been buried three times. [ laughter ] buried alive. buried alive. i was cremated...
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294
Jul 17, 2010
07/10
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. ♪ thank you, lance armstrong, for competing in yet another grueling tour de france, even though you're almost 40 years old. that takes a lot of ball. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ thank you, mel gibson -- [ audience groans ] -- for giving me a great idea for a movie called "what women want 2: not mel gibson." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, guy who freaked out about seeing a double rainbow in this video. >> oh, a rainbow. a double rainbow! [ laughter ] it's a double rainbow all the way. whoa! [ laughter ] oh, my god, look at that! [ laughter ] it's starting to look like a triple rainbow! [ laughter ] oh, my god, it's full! oh, a double rainbow all the way across the sky! what does this mean? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what does it mean? it means the mushrooms are kicking in. [ laughter ] [ applause ] "a triple rainbow! a double rainbow!" [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, the ymca, for officially changing your name to "the y." i can't wait to hear the new hit song about you by the village person. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] ♪ thank you, "people" magazi
. ♪ thank you, lance armstrong, for competing in yet another grueling tour de france, even though you're almost 40 years old. that takes a lot of ball. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ thank you, mel gibson -- [ audience groans ] -- for giving me a great idea for a movie called "what women want 2: not mel gibson." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, guy who freaked out about seeing a double rainbow in this video. >> oh, a rainbow. a double rainbow!...
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707
Oct 12, 2012
10/12
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lance armstrong could be pegged as the biggest cheater in sports 'cause of this new report that shows that he might have run the most sophisticated doping program in sports history. when news of this got out, major league baseball was like, "well, we had a good run." [ laughter ] [ applause ] and finally, this is weird. today's date is october 11th, 2012 or 10/11/12. [ cheers and applause ] yep, 10, 11, 12, or as the duggars call those, great baby names. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have an unbelievable show tonight. a fantastic show. she is hosting "saturday night live" this weekend. from nbc's, "up all night," the lovely christina applegate is here! [ cheers and applause ] plus, a very great actor, a very entertaining gentlemen. from "parks and recreation," the very funny nick offerman is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] ron swanson, himself. >> steve: good dude. >> jimmy: and we got music from a legend tonight. jackson browne is in the house! [ cheers and applause ] he's awesome. guys, it's time fo
lance armstrong could be pegged as the biggest cheater in sports 'cause of this new report that shows that he might have run the most sophisticated doping program in sports history. when news of this got out, major league baseball was like, "well, we had a good run." [ laughter ] [ applause ] and finally, this is weird. today's date is october 11th, 2012 or 10/11/12. [ cheers and applause ] yep, 10, 11, 12, or as the duggars call those, great baby names. [ laughter ] we have a great...
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Dec 10, 2011
12/11
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[ thunder ] >> a roulette table and lance armstrong on a unicycle. >> jimmy: what has one wheel and one ball? [ laughter ] [ thunder ] >> steve: that's been "brainstorm." we'll be right back with aretha franklin. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ people love the surf & turf. you can't go wrong. [ male announcer ] don't miss red lobster's surf & turf. 3 grilled combinations all under $20. like our maine lobster with peppercorn sirloin, or our new bacon-wrapped shrimp with blue cheese sirloin for $14.99. i'm john mazany and i sea food differently. for $14.99. we've saved people a lot of money on car insurance. feels nice going into the holidays. ohhhh.... will you marry me? oooh, helzberg diamonds. yeah, well he must have saved some money with geico. reminds me of the gecko mating call. really? how does that go? shoo be doo be doo. geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. [ female announcer ] try pantene nature fusion shampoo. its pro-v formula makes weak, brittle hair up to 10x stronger. ♪ healthier hair. [ female announcer ] nature fusion from pantene. hair so healthy
[ thunder ] >> a roulette table and lance armstrong on a unicycle. >> jimmy: what has one wheel and one ball? [ laughter ] [ thunder ] >> steve: that's been "brainstorm." we'll be right back with aretha franklin. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ people love the surf & turf. you can't go wrong. [ male announcer ] don't miss red lobster's surf & turf. 3 grilled combinations all under $20. like our maine lobster with peppercorn sirloin, or our new bacon-wrapped...
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Aug 13, 2013
08/13
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armstrong, "strong enough to be my man" by sheryl crow, just connected the exes, two x's, dos equis, the most interesting man in the world, world of warcraft, kraft macaroni and cheese, easy mac, big mac, mac attack, heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack, bringing it back to billy joel, joel mchale, talk soup, talk shoop, bringing it back to salt n pepa, "push it," pull it, bop it, twist it, oliver twist, please sir, have some more- gan freeman, bringing it back to march of the penguins and madagascar-ly rae jep-sons of anar-key lime pie, pythagorean theorem, a squared plus b squared equals c squared, c.c. sabathia, new york yankees, yankee doodle, labradoodle, labrador, dora the explorer, bringing it back to ferdinand magellan, "are you gellin?" bringing it back to dr. scholl's, "what's up, doc?" doc severinsen, the leader of "the tonight show" band with johnny carson, carson to leno, leno to conan, conan to fallon, "late night with jimmy fallon," how you like me now? [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: that was pretty good. that was not bad! bad. bad to the bone, bone thugs
armstrong, "strong enough to be my man" by sheryl crow, just connected the exes, two x's, dos equis, the most interesting man in the world, world of warcraft, kraft macaroni and cheese, easy mac, big mac, mac attack, heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack, bringing it back to billy joel, joel mchale, talk soup, talk shoop, bringing it back to salt n pepa, "push it," pull it, bop it, twist it, oliver twist, please sir, have some more- gan freeman, bringing it back to march of the...
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Jan 16, 2013
01/13
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you guys, everybody is talking about oprah's interview with lance armstrong, where he finally admitted to doping. and get this. the interview supposedly lasted close to three hours. so it's sort of like a regular interview, but, you know, on steroids. and it's -- [ laughter and applause ] here's some political news. president obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an illinois float to honor the first lady's home state and a kenyan float just to mess with republicans. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] why not? it's a parade, right? everyone loves a parade. speaking of obama, i heard the president will push for a path to citenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the u.s. obama says it's all part of his plan to give every man, woman and child the chance to pay more taxes. and that's just -- [ laughter ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: the american way. [ applause ] more news out of washington. education secretary arne duncan announced that he will stay at the white house for president obama's second term. he said his mission
you guys, everybody is talking about oprah's interview with lance armstrong, where he finally admitted to doping. and get this. the interview supposedly lasted close to three hours. so it's sort of like a regular interview, but, you know, on steroids. and it's -- [ laughter and applause ] here's some political news. president obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an illinois float to honor the first lady's home state and a kenyan...
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Feb 13, 2013
02/13
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here's lance armstrong. [ laughter ] it says, "roses are red, violets are blue. i've got one, most guys have two." [ laughter ] that's all the time we have for "late night e-cards." stick around, everybody. we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (music throughout) why turbo? trust us. it's just better to be in front. the sona turbo. from hyundai. there's nothing like our grilled lobster and lobster tacos. the bar harbor bake is really worth trying. [ male announcer ] get more during red lobster's lobsterfest. with the year's largest selection of mouth-watering lobster entrees. like our delicious lobster lover's dream, featuring two kinds of succulent lobster tails. or our savory, new grilled maine lobster and lobster tacos. it's back, but not for long. [ woman ] our guests go crazy for lobsterfest. my favorite entree is the lobster lover's dream. what's yours? come celebrate lobsterfest and sea food differently. [ all kids ] twooooo! [ moderator ] you sure? i am absolutely positive! [ little boy ] two times is awesome. the thing i can d
here's lance armstrong. [ laughter ] it says, "roses are red, violets are blue. i've got one, most guys have two." [ laughter ] that's all the time we have for "late night e-cards." stick around, everybody. we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (music throughout) why turbo? trust us. it's just better to be in front. the sona turbo. from hyundai. there's nothing like our grilled lobster and lobster tacos. the bar harbor bake is really...
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Jul 28, 2012
07/12
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or as lance armstrong calls that, a monday. [ laughter ] he's having fun though, right? >> steve: yeah. he's all right. >> jimmy: hey, next week, president obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. obama already got one really nice gift, mitt romney's trip to london. [ laughter ] so -- he's happy. [ cheers and applause ] he couldn't be happier. get this, you guys. yesterday, a truck in maryland overturned and spilled almost 80,000 pounds of budweiser on the highway. [ audience ohs ] which explains why, instead of flashing "traffic ahead," road signs are just flashing "seriously, i love you guys." [ laughter ] you guys are my best friends. [ laughter ] phew. here's a crazy story. a man in new york survived a 40 foot fall with minor injuries after he tried to sneak into a nickelback concert. [ laughter ] concert goers said it was a traumatic experience. and then, they heard about the guy who fell 40 feet and they go -- [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: wait, what, no. >> jimmy: this is too much. i said, this is too much. some tech news. yesterday, google unveiled a high-sp
or as lance armstrong calls that, a monday. [ laughter ] he's having fun though, right? >> steve: yeah. he's all right. >> jimmy: hey, next week, president obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. obama already got one really nice gift, mitt romney's trip to london. [ laughter ] so -- he's happy. [ cheers and applause ] he couldn't be happier. get this, you guys. yesterday, a truck in maryland overturned and spilled almost 80,000 pounds of budweiser on the highway. [ audience ohs ]...
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Jan 4, 2011
01/11
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i thought that was like a cheap lance armstrong bracelet. what is this? >> this is from "freezing for a reason." i joined the polar bear club this year. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: how are your -- how is everything working? >> not bad. >> jimmy: yeah? yep. [ laughter ] married at all? >> no. >> jimmy: yeah, i didn't think so. [ laughter ] what is your name, where are you from? >> i'm rob, i'm from roxbury, new jersey. >> jimmy: welcome rob. thanks for coming on our show and hanging out with us tonight. get ready to press down on your game pud, and together we'll see what gaming adventure we're about to embark on next. start up the board! say no guttenbergs! >> no guttenbergs! no guttenbergs! >> jimmy: you don't want one of those guttsters coming at you. >> no guttenbergs! >> jimmy: there you go. oh, you're playing -- you're playing "you can't possibly win!" [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you can't possibly win >> jimmy: all right, welcome to "you can't possibly win" the game show where you can't possibly win. best of luck to you. let's put 20 seconds on the clock.
i thought that was like a cheap lance armstrong bracelet. what is this? >> this is from "freezing for a reason." i joined the polar bear club this year. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: how are your -- how is everything working? >> not bad. >> jimmy: yeah? yep. [ laughter ] married at all? >> no. >> jimmy: yeah, i didn't think so. [ laughter ] what is your name, where are you from? >> i'm rob, i'm from roxbury, new jersey. >> jimmy: welcome rob....
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Mar 1, 2013
03/13
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. >> steve: no lance armstrong? >> jimmy: no, no, no. [ laughter ] so, i went on twitter and i started a hashtag called #howigotfired, and i asked you guys at home to tweet us a weird, funny or embarrassing story about a time you've been fired. we got thousands of tweets. in fact, within 20 minutes, it was a trending topic in the united states, which is awesome. so thank you for those tweets. and now i thought i'd share -- [ cheers and applause ] -- some of my favorite "how i got fired" tweets from you guys. here we go. this first one is from @djmcrazy. he says, "i got fired from my job at a telemarketing agency because they couldn't hear the smile in my voice." [ laughter ] you don't want that job anyway. this one's from @thebluemike. he says, "i looked at my boss' notes for the week, and it said 'fire mike.' i am mike." [ laughter ] oh, man. [ scattered applause ] >> steve: i'll do that for you. >> jimmy: this one's from @dp819. she says, "i was called into my boss' office and was told i was being let go. i asked
. >> steve: no lance armstrong? >> jimmy: no, no, no. [ laughter ] so, i went on twitter and i started a hashtag called #howigotfired, and i asked you guys at home to tweet us a weird, funny or embarrassing story about a time you've been fired. we got thousands of tweets. in fact, within 20 minutes, it was a trending topic in the united states, which is awesome. so thank you for those tweets. and now i thought i'd share -- [ cheers and applause ] -- some of my favorite "how i...
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May 31, 2011
05/11
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, lance armstrong, leg, lance legstrong, lance went wrong, now it's open that he's been dopin' on the tour de france, franz ferdinand, he's getting assassinated by gavrilo princip, who hit the mother load when the powder keg explodes, the balkan state that rode to world war i, unfolds, i'm dropping knowledge i learned in college, the more you know, the better you flow, and that's the truth, just ak the roots, the greatest band in all the land, they're lending a hand on nbc, studio 6b, "late night" with me, jimmy fallon. how do ya like me now? [ cheers and applause ] >> i get it, man. i get it. you're better than me. this is all i had going for me, though. [ light laughter ] i'm out of here. [ audience aw ] ♪ >> jimmy: hey, come on, man. come on back. ♪ [ laughter ] oh, come on, man. hey, i'm sorry. i was just -- i thought we were playing a game. [ laughter ] come on, man. yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. that's it. [ cheers and applause ] whoa. oh, man. we have a great show. we have queen latifah here. we have matt bomer, we have bon iver. he's doing bonnie raitt song. he's doing a c
, lance armstrong, leg, lance legstrong, lance went wrong, now it's open that he's been dopin' on the tour de france, franz ferdinand, he's getting assassinated by gavrilo princip, who hit the mother load when the powder keg explodes, the balkan state that rode to world war i, unfolds, i'm dropping knowledge i learned in college, the more you know, the better you flow, and that's the truth, just ak the roots, the greatest band in all the land, they're lending a hand on nbc, studio 6b,...
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Jan 10, 2013
01/13
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lance armstrong will sit down for a 90-minute interview with oprah that will air next week. [ audience oohs ] 90 minutes -- so, it'll be a little suspicious when he finishes in just 60 minutes. [ laughter ] what happened? i don't believe it. >> steve: that's nuts. >> jimmy: what did you say? >> steve: what's that? >> jimmy: what did you say? >> steve: i said it's nuts. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sorry. i'm sorry. >> jimmy: it actually isn't -- >> steve: it's nuts. >> jimmy: -- it actually isn't nuts. >> steve: it's nuts. >> jimmy: it is, yeah. [ laughter ] >> steve: nuts. >> jimmy: this isn't good, you guys. [ laughter ] you guys, i read that iran is behind some recent cyber attacks against american banks. yeah. people could tell something was going on when they started seeing a convenience of three goats. [ laughter ] i gotta do it. [ in foreign accent ] "i have got three goats, my friend. my friend." [ laughter ] "three goats, my friend. i'll give you three goats, my friend." >> steve: "come on. give me three goats." >> jimmy: "come on." >> steve: "don't judge me, man. come
lance armstrong will sit down for a 90-minute interview with oprah that will air next week. [ audience oohs ] 90 minutes -- so, it'll be a little suspicious when he finishes in just 60 minutes. [ laughter ] what happened? i don't believe it. >> steve: that's nuts. >> jimmy: what did you say? >> steve: what's that? >> jimmy: what did you say? >> steve: i said it's nuts. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sorry. i'm sorry. >> jimmy: it actually isn't --...